The Procrastinating Perfectionist: When Perfectionism is a Form of Self-Sabotage

I am Jade, a Consultant Dietitian and Specialist Neurodivergence Coach.

Welcome...this is my blog 'JLM Insights; Finding My Neurodivergent Voice'. I know how precious your time is, so thank you for sitting with me for a minute. Know that you can join me anytime in my cosy corner of the internet where you don’t need permission to show up as anything other than your beautiful, authentic self.

So lets get into it...

For as long as I can remember, I’ve been stuck in a cycle I like to call the procrastinating perfectionist. It’s a relentless, exhausting pattern that goes something like this...

I set out to do something, but my internal standards are so high they feel impossible to reach. I don't have the time or the focus to meet my own expectations, so I put it off. And then I put it off again. The thing I’m trying to achieve gets further and further away from even being close to what I want it to be.

This drive for perfection is compounded by a constant need to appear like I have it all together. I spend an immense amount of energy masking my struggles, making sure no one sees the effort it takes just to stay afloat. When the inevitable "failure" ensues because I couldn't possibly meet my own impossible standards, my self-esteem takes a hit. I just wish I could do things with about 50% effort, but for some reason, I always feel the need to give 200% to literally everything.

This relentless striving for an ideal also takes all the joy out of life. It can turn something that should be fun and relaxing into a stressful project. For me, this is especially true with something like planning a holiday. The amount of research I have to do, every possible detail, every restaurant review, every single contingency plan, just to feel okay to go, can completely drains all the fun out of the experience before it even begins.

Why? Because I don't know what others' expectations are, and to be honest, I don't even know what realistic expectations are for me to have of myself. By giving 200%, I feel I'm reducing my chance of failure. I'll meet whatever the expectations are and likely exceed them if I give 200%.

But here’s the downside, when you consistently exceed others’ expectations, they start to expect it of you again and again. This creates an enormous amount of pressure. You become "the person who has it all together," gets things done, on time, and always exceeds expectations. It feels like a perfect plan, a plan where you can't fail.

But you do fail. You fail yourself.

You fail every time you say yes to someone else and no to yourself. You fail when you tell someone you love you can't spend quality time with them because you have a deadline you need to meet. You fail yourself when you abandon your own self-care, thinking "who needs a shower when someone is waiting for this task to be done?"

I am slowly learning that you completely abandon yourself when you spend more time meeting others' needs ahead of your own. And then you have a huge mountain to climb to undo those patterns and develop new ways of being. When you start to reclaim your time and set boundaries, people around you won't like it, as ultimately they benefitted from your diligence, reliability and the over extension of your time.

- "What do you mean you aren't going to work through the night to get that project completed?"
- "What do you mean you aren't going to cancel your plans to meet me where I live?"
- "What do you mean you don't want to go where I want to go for lunch?"

Unfortunately, we have to ruffle a few feathers to come into our own. But it’s worth it to rise like a beautiful phoenix out of the ashes of our old habits.

This is me, imperfectly perfect, the procrastinating perfectionist. I'm unlearning long-held patterns that have done a great job of serving others, just not me.

So, with all this being said, how you start practicing saying 'No'

Learning to say no is an essential part of unlearning the "procrastinating perfectionist" pattern. It's a skill, and like any skill, it takes practice. Start small and be gentle with yourself.

• Start with a soft "No". You don’t have to give a harsh rejection. Try phrases like, "I'm sorry, I can't do that right now" or "That doesn't work for me". You don't have to over-explain or justify your decision.
  
  
• Give yourself time to respond. When asked to do something, you don't have to give an immediate answer. Try saying, "Let me check my diary and get back to you" or "I am not sure what my plans are today/tomorrow/next week I will get back to you on that".  This removes the pressure to say yes on the spot and gives you a moment to decide if it's truly a priority for you.
  
  
• Remember your "why." Before you agree to something, ask yourself: "Am I doing this for me, or for someone else's expectations?" Remind yourself that saying no to others is a way of saying yes to your own needs, your rest, and your well-being.
  
  
• Offer an alternative. If you can, offer a compromise. "I can't take on that project this week, but I would be happy to look at it with you next week" or "I can't go out for lunch today, but I'm free for a coffee on Friday". This shows you value the relationship while still honoring your boundaries.
  
  

Positive affirmations to help you navigate perfectionism;
- It is ok to say no, every time I say no to someone else, I am saying yes to myself 
- I choose my own peace over anyone else's expectations
- My worth is not measured by my flawless performance. I am worthy, even when I make mistakes.
- It's safe to be imperfect, and I am learning to appreciate the beauty in progress over perfection.
- I am doing my best, and my best is enough.
- I give myself permission to set boundaries and to say "no" when I need to.

On that note, I would love to know what's the one thing you've finally given yourself permission to say no to?